Sex Question of the month: Is a foursome with another couple normal? What if i don’t want to do it?

Is having a foursome with my boyfriend

and another couple normal?

What if I don’t like it?


Susan’s boyfriend has arranged for another couple to come over and have sex with them. They have never met the couple except on-line. Susan and her boyfriend had one other experience with another couple they also didn’t know well. Susan needed several drinks to be able to participate. Her boyfriend is thrilled that such sexual activities are even possible in their relationship. He does not think he is bi-sexual, but does enjoy some sexual activities with men as well as women.


Susan is very nervous and calls me for help.


Her concerns:


Is it “normal” to have a foursome with strangers?

Are her boyfriends interests in men “normal?” And most important –

What if she doesn’t want to participate?


SHE did not in past find sexual activities with another woman comfortable, and does not want to need several drinks to have sex!


My responses:


1)    There IS no “normal.” Scientifically speaking, no “norms” of sexual behavior have been established, in fact what has been shown is that all kinds of people think about and do all kinds of things. Susan is describing a form of “swinging” which is practiced and popular among millions of “normal” people.


Meeting the couple a few times before having sex is also common for many “swingers” and could make Susan more comfortable. However,


YOU define normal as WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU.

Even if millions of people do it, doesn’t mean you have to, should, or want to. If you don’t want to – then you don’t consent!


All safe, consensual sex is OK. (Learn what “safe” and “consensual” mean)


2)    Boyfriend is displaying bi-sexual thoughts and activities – he may “be” bi-sexual and hasn’t figured that out completely. He IS ‘normal” and can explore or fulfill his needs/interest in men in other ways, if necessary without Susan – but if they are in a relationship – with her knowledge and consent.  


Couples with different sexual interests and different levels of sexual drive are VERY COMMON! Both Susan and her boyfriend are “NORMAL.”


Susan must not consent to anything that is not right for her. Her boyfriend needs to accept his interests as OK, as well as Susan’s lack of interest, in those same activities.


If couples can’t work these things out themselves, getting help from a sex counselor is wise, before these differences cause separation or painful experiences.



Email Rhea with questions, comments, or for a consultation:






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s