Tips for the lovelorn and love-worn

Valentine’s Day can cause anyone to reflect on their love life – or perhaps the fact they don’t have one. It’s hard to avoid the commercialism in our culture, which creates pressure to participate in ritual expressions of romance. If Hallmark has the card for you, and your kisses begin with Kay, you may feel no discord between your life and the expectations portrayed in our society. If you have no person of romantic interest in your life, perhaps you are well enough on your own, and someone like your mother or dear friend feels special because you bring them a valentine. The largest percentage in history of adults in our culture are now living alone – and liking it. If you are among this group, you are likely figuring out new and expanded ways of celebrating love and caring. If you’re among the millions of people who are lonely or millions of couples who feel they’ve lost the spark – you’re actually not alone! When the pressure to share romance makes you want to change life’s channel, here’s a few tips for finding new valentines, or warming up the connection to the one you have. For the Love Lorn (single and lonely)~Don’t isolate yourself! Get out and meet people: 

  • Spend time with groups of friends where everyone is not a couple and other single folks may visit.  
  • Make yourself get involved with interest groups such as hobbies, politics, arts, outdoor activities, book discussions, movie goers, pet owners, gardeners, LGBT, poly, etc.
  • Research and try out spiritual groups or church groups.
  • Volunteer in organizations that interest you. You’ll meet like minded people and feel good helping others.
  • Keep yourself in reasonable shape and take care of your appearance like it matters – to YOU! 
  • Give a valentine to someone else who is lonely or alone – of any age or gender. Sharing love doesn’t have to mean sharing lust or romance.
  • If you have lingering depression, low self-confidence, or find yourself repeatedly alone or in bad relationships, check in with a counselor. Many people need help with these problems in living.
For the Love-worn 
 
Many couples are too busy and romantic distance has become habit. It may not be easy to snap back into place! If you want a gourmet meal, it takes planning and time. If you want a romantic evening, it takes planning and time. 
 
  • Plan some time to be private together. Turn off phones, TV’s & computers. Send kids to grandma’s, or get a room.
  • Schedule a realistic amount of time to get relaxed, prepared, and be together. STICK to that schedule.
  • Ritualize the space & the shared time alone: clean, set out candles and flowers, choose music that is relaxing, romantic, or sexy – whichever you need most! Have special foods, snacks, wine, or drinks ready for the occasion. 
  • Keep in reasonable shape and take care of your appearance – like it matters to YOU! Then dress to impress your partner!
  • If you drink, do so moderately – too much alcohol ruins the recipe.
  • If you have aches and pains, a disability or chronic illness, take a pain reliever or your medications, and prepare the space for your comfort and abilities.
  • Choose, focus, and allow: Choose to really be here now; focus on the sensual – scents, tastes, touch, sounds, sights; allow yourself to relax and enjoy.
  • Communicate: Say what’s in your way, respond to what’s great, say what you want, show your interest. Listen with all your senses to your partner. See into each other’s eyes.
  • Breathe and reboot: Breathe deeply. When those inevitable thoughts of stress keep entering your mind – keep rebooting right back with – breathe, choose, focus, and allow!
  • Go slow! It’s not a race to the finish, but a savoring of the flavors. Wolfing down a gourmet meal is a waste!
  • If you can’t keep the stress away, or reconnect and enjoy no matter what you try – check with a relationship counselor. Many partners need help getting out of a love-worn rut.  
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