~ ANIMAL INSTINCT ~ R. Pam Dyer PhD(c)MEd,CSC Relationship & Sex Counselor

AN UNFORTUNATE STUDY 

At a March, 2004 conference in San Diego of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, I attended a presentation on Erotic Dance. The paper read was by Sonia Borg, a recent doctoral graduate of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS). Borg was presented as co-author of a book publishing results of a study about secondary effects of erotic dance entertainment. Her audience for this presentation consisted of scientists, researchers, educators, medical, and therapeutic professionals; at least two people in the room had experience as erotic dancers, myself included. I found her presentation lacked scholarly rigor. In addition, where it concerned the dancers, there were inaccuracies and it sounded artificial, although she said that she personally interviewed forty dancers in four locations. From comments and questions, it was evident that many listeners located a number of problems with the study. Borg was able neither to support her findings nor to sustain a professional dialogue on her subject.

As a Master’s level psychologist, as a student immersed in requirements for a Ph.D., and as an ex-dancer, I continued to be disturbed by Borg’s presentation. She had distributed copies of the book presenting the IASHS study exclaiming that it is a $9.99 value on Amazon.com. I can’t be the only one to notice that this publication is not a book of research results; it is a spectacle which is accurately described as a glossy girly magazine.

The cover of this publication is chiefly occupied by a mostly unclad female with pierced nipples, smoking a cigarette. The title is Erotic Moves: 1,000 Dancing Girls Bared. A list of five reader-interest hooks printed between the bare legs of the cover girl begins with “Their sex lives.” Neither on nor inside the cover is author or editor given, nor is there any publication or copyright data, including year. Of 84 pages, only 33 do not contain pictures in color of scantily clad females in provocative poses; several pages contain nothing else.

The background of this study and the publication which resulted was related to us during the presentation by Borg as follows. IASHS, which is in San Francisco, was asked to do a study by a San Diego bar owner who was receiving flack about opening another “strip club.” The city was citing crime rates and prostitution as primary concerns. Such concerns have been a subject of state and federal courts for decades, as illustrated by this example (Hansen, 2001, no p.):

“WHEREAS, Sexually Oriented Business Activities can cause or contribute significantly to increases in criminal activity in the areas in which they are located, thereby taxing crime prevention, law enforcement, and public health services; and WHEREAS, Sexually Oriented Business Activities can cause or contribute significantly to the deterioration of residential neighborhoods, can impair the character and quality of such neighborhoods and the housing located within such neighborhoods, and can inhibit the proper maintenance and growth of such neighborhoods, limiting or reducing the availability of quality, affordable housing for area residents and reducing the value of property in such areas.”

Although state and local ordinances have developed regulations to diminish the negative effects cited, controversy continues. Club owners still face community objections and legal obstructions to their “sexually oriented business activities.” One can surmise, from Borg’s verbal presentation, that the hope of the club owner who requested the study was to discover what the lives of exotic dancers and strippers are actually like, how the patrons of strip clubs really behave, and that the study would demonstrate that prostitution and crime are not automatic nor inevitable results of such clubs. The research cited in Erotic Moves was paid for by the bar owner and conducted entirely within his chain of clubs. The published results of the study were also paid for by the bar owner. Even a cursory examination of the research results reveals bias.

A purchaser primarily interested in the photographs is not cheated in buying this publication. Any attempt to use it as a valid source of information, however, is frustrated by its demonstrated lack of research principles, inadequate and confusing reporting, clumsy—even ungrammatical—writing, and impossibility of verifying any statistical or other presented facts. There are no validating sources given, even when statistics are used to back up statements made in interviews or discussion. Acknowledgements list 23 names, 11 of which are preceded by “Dr.”; their cited positions do not suggest that the publication ought to be a farce, but what role any of these individuals played in its creation, or in the study itself, is not indicated. There are 15 references, 10 of which are court actions of various cities and states. Two references are to letters, one of which cites no date and the other no recipient, and neither of which is available to the reader. Two are titles of studies, neither of which carries author nor publication nor other identification. One reference is to an article which is actually locatable, since the reader can figure out what Cummunication Law and Policy refers to, and can posit the correct spelling of Anit-Nudity in the article’s title. Unfortunately this kind of carelessness is not confined to the page of references—so I do wonder about the accuracy of the essential identifying numbers of the legal references. No bibliography is cited.

Interspersed on pages of girly cheesecake are pie charts and bar graphs intended to show the study results. Education, sexual attitudes and activities, and religious practices of the dancers are the subject of some of the graphs. Others claim to present patrons’ sexual attitudes, type of work, education, and why and how often they attend these clubs. The bar graphs are ambiguous, as numbers are not labeled—one assumes that percentages are indicated, but since the numbers do not go to 100, could these instead be the numbers of subjects queried? Even a reader avid to avoid actual information, skimming the booklet, distracted by the many surgically augmented breasts and so on, will take in the big purple pie charts with easy lettering displaying unverified statistics on, for example, the masturbation habits of dancers. Unfortunately, this book makes what may well be misinformation widely available to any level of reader.

In addition, there is no information given relating the masturbation habits of dancers—or many other data—with prostitution or crime. Where is the information supposedly addressed as the purpose of the study, to answer concerns of the officials of San Diego who want to avoid drug traffic and prostitution?

In her published comments following interview reports, Borg states that some dancers disclosed to her that they had once used drugs but had “worked through it.” She states that there is a “right road and a wrong road in dancing. Dancers who cross this line are looked down upon and have lower status in an already low status occupation” (p.10).

A bit more information gleaned about prostitution seems to be limited to a few quotes by dancers from two clubs. One dancer claims that prostitution may go on, but “it ends as soon as they find out about it and the person gets fired” (p.10). Another dancer points out that there are cameras everywhere, so no one would be able to be a prostitute. A third talks about the income of dancers, and that it is affected negatively if something “out of the ordinary” goes on. When the interviewer asks, “So prostitution is out of the ordinary?” the response is an absolute affirmative, and it is explained that these girls consider themselves dancers providing a service of fantasy, that they are “wholesome” and are definitely not prostitutes. In fact, they don’t consider themselves as part of the adult entertainment industry (p.16).

The reader is asked to believe that unsavory behaviors and situations do not exist in this environment. This assumption is unlikely even about other environments and professions. In addition, an unfortunate impression is given that no victims exist in the profession of exotic dancing. An intern at IASHS reports her deduction that the dancers all enjoy their jobs and, when asked what she thinks a dancer would do if she didn’t enjoy it, she replies, “I think she would leave . . . [enjoying it] is a hard thing to fake.” Mentioning as evidence, but without reference or description, the existence of a set of “guidelines,” she indicates that employees are expected to create and be part of a “party atmosphere.” This IASHS intern explains, and I quote, “People want to come into smiling people” (p.19).

After reading the booklet, to the extent that one can clearly grasp the information, one is left with the idea that dancers are not prostitutes because those interviewed said they aren’t; that there is no more drug use or prostitution in this corner of the adult industry than in any other business, because those interviewed said there isn’t. Additionally, according to this study, all dancers are essentially happy, or at least not unhappy, with their jobs. Dancers are supposedly slightly more liberal (a term never defined) and have, on average, earlier sexual experiences (limited definition) than do non-dancers (all college students at IASHS) or “other people” (a group never defined).

Studies of this vocation are needed for a variety of reasons that affect the lives of many people. There may be some important points and information in this one by Borg. Unfortunately the study is so biased and poorly done that it adds to the negative attitudes, exploitative nature, and misinformation surrounding erotic dancing, rather than helping to illuminate any truths or clarify basis for regulations.

In describing this glossy publication for sale, Amazon.com makes the following claim: “Two years of research by the Institute [for Advanced Study for Human Sexuality] makes Erotic Moves the most comprehensive collection of its kind.” Such a study put forth as progress and comprehensive research in the fields of commerce and human sexuality, sexual health, psychology, and human rights is appalling. This work needs to be refuted and superceded by genuine scholarly and professional research.

Since I worked as an exotic dancer for ten years, I am particularly enraged at this representation of the lifestyle supposedly based on professional ethical research. That this study was part of work that earned the researcher her doctorate is even more disturbing. Presenting and publishing such poor scholarship reflects badly on doctoral level research standards, on the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, on the field of human sexuality and commerce, and on the professional organizations that allow presentation and promotion of the study. And ironically, this expensive production will carry no influence when it comes to dealing with law-makers regulating strip clubs—the purpose of the study, according to what Borg said at her presentation. It seems a final confusion that the booklet itself does not proclaim this purpose.

The only value, in fact, that I found in hearing the study presented, and later in carefully reviewing the printed result, is that I feel charged to put my experience and scholarship to work to present an accurate picture of the life and surroundings of an exotic dancer, supported by valid professional and ethical research.

One reason for my interest in this project is the paucity of scholarly knowledge specifically about the adult entertainment industry, including erotic dance. Issues surrounding the vocation are represented in the literature—dance as fine art and as spiritual practice, for example. Women and men in the industry and the industry itself, however, are easily ignored except when problems seemingly stemming from the field infiltrate communities, causing complaint. Little responsible research has been done to analyze, verify, or refute public opinions about the lives of people in this profession. When neighborhood problems are ameliorated, the inherent issues are once again ignored. My extensive personal experience in the field, and decades of other professional work and academic training, place me in a unique position to take responsibility for developing a baseline of scholarly knowledge about the issues and the individuals in the field of erotic dance.

SOCIAL IMPACT OF RESEARCHING THE EROTIC

History has not altered human need for and fascination with the erotic, including the movement and beauty of the human body. That erotic, exotic dance is powerful is illustrated by the ancient to modern, ongoing multi-cultural debate visible in law and social attitudes, about the profession. Hansen (2001) alludes to the power of dance:

“Because the instrument of dance and of sexuality is one—the human body—dancing motion attracts attention. Human survival depends upon alertness to moving objects and reproduction.  . . . The inherent sexuality of dance may be a reason why dance is a nearly universal activity and why gender is coterminous with sexuality in dance. Sexual intercourse is seen to be life generating, an action with miraculous power and a magical sense of pleasure and relief. Courtship and foreplay arouse and anticipate. Signs of sexuality evoke these erotic images and sentiments. They also serve as symbolic references to other domains of power.”

The market for all forms of adult entertainment has become one of the most lucrative industries in the United States. In his paper on the affects of regulating nude dancing and erotic expression, Hansen (2001, no p.) also reports the following:

“As of February 1997, Americans spend more money at strip clubs than at Broadway, off-Broadway, regional, and nonprofit theatres; at the opera, the ballet, and jazz and classical music performances—combined. U.S. News and World Report stated that ‘the number of strip clubs in the U.S. roughly doubled between 1987 and 1992. The annual revenues from these clubs range from $500,000 to more than five million at well run, upscale ‘gentlemen’s clubs.’”

Regardless of what seems to be a powerful need in human life, the public and legal response to all things erotic and sexual in our culture is fraught with negativity and fear. Being an exotic dancer is not viewed as a respectful or legitimate vocation and is potentially harmful to health. Women living at-risk lifestyles seem to populate the profession, and their lives are intertwined with other people related to questionable vocations, such as the club owners and law enforcement personnel, not to mention the patrons.

What is known about living inside the world of erotic entertainment can hardly be called common knowledge. There remains an “us vs. them” paradigm, as if people who work in adult entertainment are not of the same species as people who don’t. These are just the kind of people that Americans like to ignore—why do we need to know about them anyway? It’s a dirty, dark, and seamy aspect of society; let the police officers and courts deal with it, that’s what they’re for. Just don’t put one of those clubs in my neighborhood!

There is evidence that employees and neighborhoods become at-risk when strip clubs are opened. In response, laws have been passed that control the placement of clubs in communities (Hansen, 2001). Regulations developed have curbed negative effects of strip clubs. This has served to reduce the attention paid to them by the public, which in turn maintains a lack of knowledge and understanding.

The clubs themselves and the people who work for and patronize them are still misunderstood and often maligned. What is known about them tells us that there is probably a mixture of healthy and harmful behaviors, in an environment that also may represent both help and harm to the women who work there.

As sex does not, dancers do not exist in a vacuum, and isolating them in our minds and geographically from our environment does not isolate these women from harm. Ignoring them does not prevent their problems from influencing larger circles. It is well documented that awareness and education help ameliorate health risks and criminal behaviors, but the treatment of exotic dancers and the environments of strip clubs remains negatively influenced by cultural conservatism about sexuality and the human body in general. Hansen (2001, no p.) noted:

 ”…the casual attitude toward sex was altered with the change in religious values: [The pervasive attitude toward sex] changed with the coming of Christianity. Nudity became taboo; sexual desire was disparaged, and with it efforts either to stimulate it or to satisfy it through masturbation. The sexual ideology of the Church left no room for erotic representations, and the poverty and illiteracy of the Middle Ages would have limited the production and dissemination of erotic art and literature in the best of circumstances.”

Certainly we are living freer, healthier, and more expressive lives than was possible in the Middle Ages, but political and religious influences remain pressures and foundations for public attitude and, often, law. Prevalent accepted sexual roles and mores embedded in our culture today are based in archaic, ancient Christian teachings.

So what are the facts? Are crime and prostitution as prevalent around strip clubs as is believed? To the extent that these do exist, is it because they are near strip clubs, or because the patrons are inherently lonely, or the clubs have historically been placed in questionable commercial parts of town? Or a combination of all? To what extent are dancers prostitutes, and are fewer prostitutes working in bars that do not have exotic dancers? An examination of police records and court cases, and conversations with law enforcement professionals, could possibly answer these questions, or at least add to our knowledge.

A more heuristic form of qualitative research could address from the inside, the general misunderstanding of the exotic dancer’s personal life. Current common view is skewed by legal battles and influenced by very little valid research.

Leaving common assumptions and inaccurate research unchallenged allows proprietors to be unfair employers, allows women and patrons to be exploited, allows patrons to be potentially dangerous. Those within the industry as employees or consumers who need help go unrecognized and unaided. To the extent that neighborhoods are also negatively impacted, real information as to why – and therefore how to ameliorate those effects – remains lacking.

And, perhaps the most tragic of all, erotic expression itself remains unchampioned. That which humans relentlessly seek in public or private, in high culture or low, regardless of law or social attitude and sometimes because of it, remains in the dark, maligned. This is a problem because humans are erotic. Besides being an ancient profession once revered and always powerful, erotic dance is an expression of our human quality. Keeping true understanding of the world of the exotic dancer at bay is a symbol and a symptom of cultural fear and misunderstanding of the nature and beauty of human erotic expression.

The debate about nudity and erotic dancing is hardly new; just as prostitution is considered the oldest profession in the world, erotic dancing and striptease are ancient related arts. Controversy and regulations, social and legal, have existed equally as long and continue today. This is nicely related by Hansen (2001, no p.):

        ” The use of dance to express a sexual or erotic message has existed for ages. In Biblical times, Salomé, daughter of Heródias, danced for King Herod in a provocative manner that persuaded Herod to offer her anything she desired, even half of his kingdom. In other ancient societies, dance was used as a method of encouraging marriage and procreation. . . . In modern society, alertness to the sexual messages conveyed through dance has been seen by one scholar as necessary to the survival of the human race. Nude or erotic dancing at strip clubs (or adult use establishments) has also existed for ages and despite its failure to attain the status as a necessary tool for the survival of the human race, it has been recognized by the United States Supreme Court as a valid form of communication subject to First Amendment protection. . . . Nonetheless these adult use establishments often cause a moral uprising and conflict within the communities that house them, leading to the drafting of restrictive ordinances for the purpose of protecting the community from the supposed harms.“

Attitudes about women and these vocations vary from being extremely negative to being regarded with respect. Using Prohibition as an example, we see that attitudes and laws around “controlled substances” and activities make a big difference in the effect such substances and activities have on the geographical area in which they exist, and on all persons involved.

Issues of health and safety of women and men, as well as illegal drug traffic, surround all commercial ventures in what is now known as the adult industry, making study and understanding of the people and practices therein both valuable and important. Pornography and adult entertainment in a variety of modes are among the largest industries in the United States, representing billions of dollars a year, regardless of what laws and attitudes are in place. Neither uninformed, maligning attitudes nor laws based on ignorance of the facts sponsor the safety and health of anyone involved, nor do they foster fair commercial practices. Education and awareness are the safeguards, not ignorance and prohibition.

Unfortunately education concerning issues of sexuality is far from adequate in this country. William Yarbor, a specialist in sexuality education, suggests (1992) that as a society we are “standing by” while our children are learning to cope with the powerful source of their sexuality, and we are doing nothing to make them safe.

Several psychological studies in the last decade have changed the professional view about the age of adolescence. What was once thought of as a rough stage of development ending in the late teens or about age twenty, is now known to continue until around age 28 (Siegal,1999). Since being a dancing girl is a young woman’s profession, most dancers are adolescents, many still in their teens.

From my own years in the business I know that many dancers become erotic performers because they have to and they can – it’s an avenue that’s open to them if they’re at all attractive, regardless of their education level, family situation, or practically any other factor. Many dancers don’t use their own name, many clubs pay cash, and even the owners may never know the dancer’s real name. While there are advantages to this situation, it also leaves many women prey to unfair commercial practices, unwanted attention from patrons and bar owners, and unaided with the real needs of their lives. As a society, we are “standing by,” doing nothing to make them safe.

I worked inside the adult industry on the edge of the “Bible Belt” in four states for ten years. I danced in a dozen different public and military clubs; I worked approximately 150 private parties for military and law enforcement personnel, fireman, citizens ranging from “bikers” and “rednecks” to lawyers and businessmen, and at organizations such as the Shriners and Elks. An account of this time of my life is far more than one individual’s daily memories and thoughts; such an account provides an overview of the industry and many in-depth experiences, events, and perceptions. As previously discussed in this paper, communities and individuals are moved to understanding and informed decisions through personal knowledge or experience; I propose that qualitative study is therefore needed.

Outside the media, which is the major sexuality educator in our culture today according to Roffman (2003), all that currently exists for the public to learn from are extremely limited or poorly done studies and some biographies of dancers. Most of the public would prefer to ignore, except to regulate or prohibit, any form of commercial, public, or semi-public expression of human eroticism. Our social climate remains reticent about sexuality even in private. Roberts states (1980, lecture), “The silence surrounding sexuality in most families, and in most communities, carries its own important messages. It communicates that it is bad to think or talk about any dimension of sexuality, that it must be kept secret.”

The attitudes about erotic entertainment are an extension of these deep-seated family and community “values” about sexuality. As a result, many young women entering the business are handicapped by a lack of knowledge and ordinary experience, both about their personal sexuality and about public commerce in sex.

One example of an interesting, readable, and artistic account from inside a sexuality oriented business is The Happy Hooker (Hollander,1972, 2002) which was the first story of its kind, sold 15 million copies, and contributed to public awareness about a variety of sexual activities; this attention altered, while possibly glamorizing, attitudes about prostitution. Without the glamor and with less of a sexual focus, I propose an expose of the world of the exotic dancer. If such a project attracts the public, not only will it help to affect social consciousness, but it will also work to break down the barriers against knowledge and against natural enjoyment of free and responsible expression of human eroticism and sexuality.

Studying the world of erotic dance is now legitimate in professional circles. Major international scientific organizations whose purpose is to research and disseminate information about many facets of human sexuality continue to offer presentations on studies of adult entertainment. The World Association for Sexology holds International Congress annually. Listed as arenas for presentation of papers, research, workshops, and debates are fourteen different categories; number eleven is sexuality and commerce. Study of the world of the erotic dancer is legitimate, scientifically sound, and socially significant. 

REFERENCES

Borg, S. (2004, March). Erotic Moves: 1,000 Dancing Girls Bared. Paper

presented at meeting for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality,

San Diego, CA.

Butler, R. N., & Lewis, M. I. (2002). The new love and sex after 60. New York:

Ballantine Publishing Group.

Dworetzky, J. P. (1990). Introduction to Child Development, (4th Edition). St.

Paul, MN: West Publishing

Erotic Moves: 1,000 Dancing Girls Bared. (No author, editor, date, nor

publication data.)

Francoeur, R. T. (Ed.). (2001) International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, Vols. 1

 – 4. New York: Continuum Publishing Company.

Hansen, C. P. (2001). To Strip or Not to Strip: The Demise of Nude Dancing.

Valparaiso University Law Review, 35(3), 551-615 (individual pages

not numbered).

Hollander, X. (1972, 2002). The Happy Hooker: My Own Story. New York:

Harper Collins.

Metz, M. (2003). Updates on premature ejaculation. Paper presented at conference of Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, San Antonio, TX.

Metz, M. McCarthy, B. (2003). Coping With Premature Ejaculation. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Morin, J. (2008). How Eros Heals. Paper presented at conference of the

Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, San Deigo, CA.

Ogden, G. (2006). The Heart and Soul of Sex. Boston: Trumpeter Books.

Roberts, E. (Ed.). (1980). Childhood Sexual Learning: The Unwritten

Curriculum. Cambridge, MA: Ballinger.

Roffman, D. (2003). The Joy of Teaching Sex. Paper presented at conference of Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Baltimore, MD.

Satcher, D. (n.d.; received by mail 2004, February). Service and Publications Bulletin of SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States).

Siegal, D. (1999). The developing mind. New York. GuilfordPress.

Sheldrake, R. (2008). http://www.sheldrake.org/homepage.html

Strong, B., & DeVault, C. (1992). The marriage and family experience (5^th ed.) New York: West Publishing.

Tiefer, L. (1995). Sex is not a natural act. Boulder, Co: Westview Press.

Vaillant, G. E. (2002). Aging well. Boston: Little, Brown.

Whipple, B. (2000). Ernst Graefenberg: From Berlin to New York. Paper

         presented at conference of European Federation of Sexology, Berlin.

Whipple, B., & Komisaruk, B. (2002). Brain (pet) responses to vaginal-cervical

         self-stimulation in women with complete spinal cord injury: Preliminary

         findings. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, (28), 79-87.

Whipple, B., Komisaruk, B. (2003). Brain imaging studies during orgasm in women with and without complete spinal cord Injury. Paper presented at Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. San Antonio, Texas.

Yarber, W. (1992). While we stood by . . . the limiting of sexual information to our youth. Journal of Health Education, 326-335.

Social research completed in the 1950’s revealed that polygamy as cultural norm has dominated the world cross culturally for most of history, albeit in most times and places, like monogamy, as a sexist and chattel based practice. Careful analysis of Franceur’s recent encyclopedia of sexuality shows that feminist and free love movements in the United States did not end here, but catalyzed change in marriage and family in many world cultures. Polyamory is a word coined in the 1990’s for a movement that has developed in the last 40 years in response to cultural evolution.

“Family” is being redefined. Old norms are not sufficient for a culturally evolved society of long-lived people. When social attitudes, government policy, and laws maintain old norms and suppress understanding of needed changes, those who are already living in adaptive and progressive lifestyles can be harmed. In addition, the larger population is prevented from learning helpful knowledge being gained by those in progressive formats.

That social, legal, and other dangers exist for people in polyamorous partnerships has been established. Prejudices are not confined to lay persons lacking information.

Common clinical misconceptions include that polyamorous persons are sex addicts and/or have attachment disorders. Bisexual and self identified polyamorous people are accused of being unable to commit, or just refusing to make up their minds. These conclusions are grossly incorrect. Clinicians need information to assist without prejudice those clients who maintain with integrity more than one relationship simultaneously.

The idea of polyamory brings into question not only the Judeo-Christian dictate for confining sex to heterosexual marriage for the purpose of procreation but it challenges the prevailing ideology that romantic and sexual love of one person can exist genuinely and responsibly for only one other person at a time – and that it should last forever. I call these Euro-American cultural programs and expectations of marriage “the fairy tale syndrome.”

Similar wording is used by Emens when she discusses “ … the pervasiveness of the fantasy of monogamy.” The word monogamy means legal marriage with one partner at a time. The sexual relations within that marriage are not defined. Our culture defines it as sexual relations with only one partner. Two studies in the 1980’s revealed that 30% of monogamous couples practiced some form of negotiated non-monogamy. Quantitative studies on polyamory are scarce but estimates gathered from a variety of sources suggest millions of practitioners.

If we are to judge by the media, very little sex takes place in monogamous marriage – Strong and Devault state that TV soaps alone show 24 times as much sex taking place outside of marriage. Until recently research has focused on extra marital sex, but little is known about marital sex within what is defined as the nuclear family: a heterosexual couple and their biological children, with one spouse employed outside the home and the other an at home caretaker. Some estimates are that as few as 13% of families actually live this way. There is no typical American family. As of the year 2000, there were more stepfamilies than any other kind.

Even though most people believe when marrying that they will be lifelong partners, the high divorce rate of the 20^th century continues. Currently the most common overt American partnership style is serial monogamy; one exclusive sexual partner after another peppered by high rates of extramarital covert sexual affairs. The World Health Association reported in 2000 that among sexually active 16 – 45 year olds in sex nations including America, between 22 and 50 percent of adults have been sexually unfaithful…and these are just the subjects that admit it. In virtually every scientific field, humans are revealed to resemble most species in existence, as non monogamous by nature. The hallmarks of polyamory are honesty and acceptance of what appears to be human nature.. Polyamory presents designs for dealing with more than one relationship with responsibility and integrity.

The term “open marriage” was popularized in the 1970’s, during the free love movement and qualifies as polyamory because it is negotiated, egalitarian, responsible non-monogamy.

My presentation today is a pilot study to my current research on three common forms of polyamory. It addresses the question of open marriage as an alternative to the dissolution  low or no sex marriages. Misdiagnosed as low desire and most often attributed to women, what are actually differing desire levels of partners and loss of desire in long term relationships are among the most commonly presented problems in relationship and sex therapy.

Participants in my study were former clients or volunteers located through the polyresearchers internet list. In depth interviews were conducted collecting data as described on the handout.

Participants are couples, formerly in traditional monogamous marriages who chose to open sexual relations in direct response to sexual desire differences. Couples report that these differing desire levels caused frustration, anger, self-doubt, guilt, and shame. They further suffered loss of companionship with one another, dwindling communication, undermining of intimacy, sleep disturbances, and loss of focus at work and other activities. Previous treatments such as medical testing and marital counseling had not ameliorated their sexual issues.

Couples were distraught, each saying they still love their partners and want to remain married and maintain family. In short, the fairy tale ended, and they did not want to cheat. In the limited time available here, I will share two cases which represent several themes and issues common to this type of polyamory.

People who identify as polyamorous, design their relationships on a continuum of openness, from not sharing much about outside partners on one end, to sharing everything including living space with multiple partners on the other. Both of these couples decided on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement. Preliminary research results suggest that this is not the most successful form of polyamory, but it seems attractive among some couples who start out as traditionally monogamous. While honest with each other and clear in their decision to open the marriage, they do not share any details about lovers with one another. They maintain a traditional appearance and context, which requires discretion and puts limitations on outside partners as well. Wives in these cases do not want to know when or with whom husbands partner. Husbands cannot neglect family and must follow safe sex practices.

Thesee wives had little interest in sex, and the husbands refused to be dishonest or have covert affairs. Wives benefited by losing the pressure to have unwanted sex, and the guilt of depriving their husbands of getting legitimate needs met.

While my larger research includes Europeans, African Americans, straight, bisexual, and transgenedered persons in three regions of the United states, these couples are in the white, upper middle class, metropolitan, educated demographic. They married for love and family with a monogamous agreement.

Jill and Jack were married for 12 years, both about 50 and have one daughter. Jack is employed as a software engineer with a second successful career as a musician. Jill has a home business and is a singer.

Jill estimates that she does 80% of the childcare and housework, while Jack provides 80% of the income. Both express satisfaction with this situation. Jill is a lifelong Unitarian and an active member of a large church. Jack shares some activities with her but does not consider himself part of any religion.

This couple married for the same reasons reported by many: to be intimate partners, create a home and have children. They intended to live monogamously. They were in love and good friends. They are an excellent match on paper, so to speak: similar backgrounds and daily living habits, values, and goals. Both state that in their past, they had had more exciting sexual partners than one another. But that those sexual partners would not have made good spouses. Each thought that their mediocre sexual relationship would be outweighed by other similarities and advantages of marriage.

They soon discovered their lack of sexual chemistry was more of a problem than anticipated. Jill, never as interested in sexual activity as Jack, became even less so after their child was born. As years passed, attempts to develop a satisfactory sexual connection, including with professional help, failed. Jack experienced growing physical and emotional stress, Jill experienced guilt and anxiety about their marriage. Both state they were at the point of divorce, and would have, if they had not tried an open marriage.

Jack said he would prefer to have sex with his own wife. But faced with three choices – Jill forcing herself to have unwanted sex, Jack going without sex completely, or a divorce – Jill and Jack both preferred Jack seek outside partners for sexual activity.

Since Jack travels for both of his jobs he has opportunity to meet with women while already absent from home.

They both report experiences typical among couples I’ve researched in this situation: relief from pressures and guilt, acceptance of their true selves, caring and respect for their partners needs, a renewed sense of freedom and connection between them, and personal growth and change.

They also report typical problems of the “don’t ask/don’t tell” arrangement. Jill experienced over time a sense of inadequacy and feeling undesirable. She compared herself unfavorably to unknown women. Jill felt Jack was away from family even more due to seeing other women. However, when Jill expressed her dissatisfaction about time sharing, jack responded positively and stuck to a schedule they made for family time and activities.

Jack reports that although he was consistently adamant in honesty about remaining married, some of his lovers were emotionally closer to him than was his wife. He found some difficulty in finding partners who would accept his situation, but reports that over a period of six years, he had several relatively long term lovers.

Jealousy is a common issue in nearly all polyamorous situations. Jill thinks she limited her jealousy by knowing nothing about Jack’s other relationships, and she stated, she would use forgiveness and understanding to ameliorate her feelings.

Jack states he doesn’t know if he’d be jealous of his wifes outside partners, bcs she consistently chose not to pursue any although she had equal right to do so. He states that if she could have found pleasure with someone else, he wished that she would. Jack explained that he did experience extreme jealousy with one of his lovers, who did not see Jack exclusively and was quite open about her other partners. Jack experienced two extremes on the polyamory openness continuum – a partner at home with whom he shared practically nothing, and a partner outside the home who shared almost everything about her lovers.

Opening their marriage, they state, kept them together until their daughter was in high school, six years longer than had they not adopted the arrangement. They separated for a year, thinking they might divorce, and both reiterate that polyamory was not the reason, but instead, the issues and problems that they struggled with from the beginning of their marriage, coupled with social pressure.

Jill’s already low sexual self-esteem did not improve, and she reports a common complaint among all types of long term partners –over time they had less genuine sharing and growth when they were together. Jack expressed a preference for a single partner with whom he shares sexual compatibility, if that were possible. He felt increasingly like an adulterer despite the open agreement, which is typical of don’t ask/don’t tell situation.

Jack also felt that he was in the way of Jill finding someone more suitable to her since he continued to play the role of live in husband, and Jill felt uncomfortable looking for partners in the networks of people in her life, while appearing to be traditionally married.

Over the years, it was impossible to completely hide Jack’s other partnerships and liaisons. Both Jill and Jack experienced social stigma which they state is one direct cause of their separation. Jill’s few friends who knew told her Jack was using her for housework while getting his sex elsewhere, a rather unfeminist evaluation in my opinion, that devalues Jill’s genuine enjoyment of motherhood, ignores her lack of interest in sex, and Jacks responsible commitment to his home and family. Jack’s few friends who knew, claimed that while they understood his situation, they “didn’t like to see someone have sex outside their marriage.”

Because of these personal and social pressures they decided to separate. Jack moved across the street and maintained his usual schedule of family time and home care with his daughter.

Each express pride that they managed this non-traditional arrangement. The six years longer they lived together with their child had a positive impact on her life, during which time Jill and Jack experienced personal growth. Each state they love and respect each other, that they separated more amicably bcs of their open arrangement, and remain good friends and parents.

AS advice to others who consider an open relationship, Jill stated that while she did not choose to have other partners, it might have been easier and better for her if she had. She found patience and forgiveness to be valuable attributes. Jack says he would keep checking in over time, that he never looked back to re-examine or modify their arrangements. He emphasized he has the highest regard for his wife and that mutual respect is essential.

As of fall of 2008, Jack moved back into the house with Jill. They both agreed they didnt want to divorce, but that they wanted this time to be different than before. Jill took steps to meet others by posting on polyamory dating sites. Their intention is to create a more equal open arrangement.

Couple two, Ann and Stan, I will cover more briefly as a comparison. Each are in their 40’s. Stan travels for his job as an insurance broker, Ann has started several fortune 500 companies and is an author. Stan has one son from a previous marriage. Ann spent several years living in a monastery as a Buddhist prior to her marriage to Stan. Stan does not identify with any religion but espouses a practice of positive thinking and affirmations, thankfulness, and forgiveness.

Ann and Stan enjoyed an exciting sex life when they first met. They both express that the other has been a helpful partner in dealing with life issues such as Stans former alcoholism and Ann’s depression. They have been married for 9 years.

Over time Ann became more involved with her work and less involved intimately with her husband. Eventually she struggled to maintain any desire for sexual activities which she claims were never a priority in her life especially as someone who had espoused a Buddhist lifestyle. Stan always had a high sex drive and the couple tried many avenues to create an acceptable sex life to both of them including medical testing and couples workshops. Traditional approaches of sex therapy for low desire couples failed them and on the brink of divorce they accepted the idea of trying an open sexual agreement.

Ann was leary at first but became excited about the idea when she learned she could make rules and boundaries about the situation, and free herself from pressure. Stan was pleased about the idea but did not know how he would find partners, and he did not want to stop having sex with his wife. Ann agreed that the open arrangement would not end their own sex life. They planned date nights and practical changes to assure relaxed time together.

For many months this worked well. Stan stated he could not find outside partners that were acceptable within the parameters of his agreement with Ann. He decided to use the internet and pay what he called professionals as long as they did not use drugs that he could ascertain, and followed strict safe sex practices. He said this was better than going crazy with no sex, and some women were companionable. He still had sex with his wife, but she remained usually less than enthusiastic despite their efforts.

After a year, during which Ann was marketing a book and working 60 hours a week,

unaddressed problems came to a head. Stan claimed Ann had never consistently honored her part of the commitment by keeping their couple time sacred. He stated that she had a lover which used all her time – her work. One day their dog died unexpectedly and Ann was very emotional. She reached out to Stan in a way that had been absent in their relationship for some time, after which they had particularly intimate and exciting sex. Ann declared she wanted the monogamous agreement back in place to “keep their relationship in that space.”

Stan did not want this, claiming Ann had become a workaholic, which she admitted, and was again depressed. He had finally met someone he liked according to their open agreement, and did not wish to discard this possible relationship when Ann had not been keeping her commitments to him. He agreed if she put time back into their lives that he would close the marriage again.

This distressed Ann and they saw a therapist. She agreed she was seriously overworking and becoming depressed. However she wanted to label Stan as a sex addict. When Stan next left for his weekly work schedule out of town, Ann stopped answering his calls and sent him an email with an ultimatum to close the marriage or get a divorce. She did not continue counseling.

Stan did not regret the open relationship and felt it helped when Ann was also following the plan. They both stated they would have divorced anyway if they had not tried it.

Existing research on polyamory shows that it is as successful and long term, or not, as monogamy. When monogamous couples come in for therapy, we do not traditionally presume sexual monogamy as part of their problem, we look at each individual and the dynamics of the rlshp. When partners in an alternative lifestyle come for therapy, it is easy to jump to the conclusion that polyamory is the reason.

Polyamory has few distinct issues that are excusive to the lifestyle. As Jill and Jack stated, it was personal problems coupled with social stigma that caused their eventual separation. Ann’s workaholic lifestyle and her untreated depression would effect any relationship.

Subjects in all my studies recommend, like Jack and Stan, ongoing communication, and to re-evaluate poly arrangements as time passes. Like Ann’s experience, issues build up and when not addressed, later may not be repairable. People come into relationships with themselves and their problems. Clinical assistance for polyamorous persons must include sorting out what has to do with each individual, and what has to do with the partnership arrangements.

Participants in this and other of my studies all state that polyamory is something they are compelled into, by circumstances and personal orientations they can’t deny, challenging the stereotype that poly is a choice, for fun. While sexual benefits were mentioned by all, they are not the first mentioned by any. The couples in this study ended in divorce, but not sooner than statistical averages for length of monogamous marriages. My own and other research show couples, triads, and networks of polyamorous partnerships lasting twenty and thirty years.

Jill and Jack demonstrate that polyamory can be supportive to commitment, and to a stable family environment. Ann and Stan experienced positive results with open marriage, but were thwarted by untreated individual problems and the need for clinical help with open arrangements.

 Most problems noted with polyamory are also noted in monogamy. My research indicates that social stigma, strong emotions for more than one person, and time sharing, are the only issues that are specifically inherent, or exist to a greater degree, in polyamory than in monogamy. Serial monogamy and cheating are the most common relationship patterns in our culture today. Polyamory is an alternative that is not for everyone but is a rapidly growing, legitimate lifestyle fostering responsible, egalitarian, multiple partnerships and family ways which deserves continued attention and research. 

Interviews were conducted by telephone or in person and tape recorded. A transcript was made and all identifying information removed. Each participant approved of the content as accurate and respectful of their privacy. Interviews were approximately one hour and in conversational format. Below questions were not directly asked, but were used as a guideline if conversation and stories did not elicit answers to the following: Demographics: Age, birthplace, data on family of origin, spiritual or religious background, education level, employment.

1)    Sexual and marriage relationship history of the primary persons.

2)    Number, gender, and ages of children.

3)    What is your motivation or reason for having an open or multiple relationship format?

4)    How open is your agreement? On a continuum, how much is shared

between partners and how well do all partners know each other?

5)    How long has each participant shared this lifestyle together?

6)    What are the boundaries and agreements regarding time, health, commitment, communication, privacy, and others applicable?

7)    Are persons within your partnerships legally married, and are children in the group/situation?

    Are practical aspects of life shared among partners, such as finances, parenting, and housework?

9)    How much do children/parents/friends/co-workers know of your situation? Why or why not?

10) What does each participant consider positives and negatives of polyamory?

11) Would you say that you are in love with more than one person?

12) Do you experience jealousy? If so, how do you deal with it?

13) If you could give advice to others about this kind of relationship, what would it be?

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Kinsey, Alfred C. et al. (1948/1998). Sexual behavior in the human male. Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders; Bloomington: Indiana U. Press.

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Peabody, S. A. (1982). Alternative life styles to monogamous marriage: Variants of normal behavior in psychotherapy clients. Family Relations, 31, 425-434.

Roughgarden, Joan, 2004. Evolution’s Rainbow. Berkeley & Los Angeles, California: University of California Press.

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Rubin, A. M. (1982). Sexually open versus sexually exclusive marriage: A comparison of dyadic adjustment. Alternative Lifestyles, 5, 101-106.

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Weitzman, G. D. (1999, March). What psychology professionals should know about polyamory: The lifestyles and mental health concerns of polyamorous individuals. Albany, NY: Paper presented at 8th Annual Diversity Conference.

Weitzman, G. 2006. Therapy with clients who are bisexual and polyamorous. Journal of Bisexuality, 6, 1/2, 137-164.

Internet and other resources:

The Kinsey Institute library collection of polyamory literature and research

Email poly chat and events lists in western, midwest, southeastern, and northeastern states

Polyresearchers E-list